Sunday, November 7, 2010

November 7, 2010

Going to echo Tracy's comments, "What am I doing up this time of night?" I don't have a good excuse like Tracy. I'm just up after not being able to sleep (again!) I've tried the melatonin two nights in a row now. It doesn't seem to be helping at all.

Good steps yesterday! 9,306! Twice since we began the challenge I've hovered near 10,000. I'm hitting that today. I'm going to take a HUGE walk this morning. Good calorie deficit! 955!

The scales are not budging. This is discouraging. I took my waist measurement today. It's too scary to share right now. Guess I'm too vain even in the anonymity of this blog.

Gotta share something while I'm on the topic of vanity. I feel that I USED to be pretty. I was attractive, confident, and happy with the way I presented to the world. This was years ago, but it still sticks in my mind that I was this way. Then I got fat (again). I get fat over and over and over. I lose weight over and over and over. I have lost close to 100 pounds twice now and gained it back. I have lost 30 - 50 pounds and gained it back countless times. In all honesty, I bet I have lost and gained in excess of 400 pounds since I was 20. (I'm 52.)

It's the struggle of my life. I have cried over it many times. I can't tell you how many times I have said, "If this plan doesn't work, I'm giving up. I'm just going to be fat and accept it." The problem is, I can't accept it. I can't accept myself fat. I have an image of myself as an attractive pretty woman at a reasonable weight.

This latest visit at my maximum weight has caused me a lot of emotional difficulties. I have become hesitant to go out for fear "someone will see me." I think to myself, "Oh my God! What if they see me like this and discover that I have again gained back my weight?" I have become preoccupied with this fear.

My husband has the patience of a saint with me and this issue. He's seen me struggle since he's known me. My family has shared my struggle, too. If I were one of the people that has looked on my problem from the outside, I'd be so sick of it, that I probably lose my patience. Yet, they all still offer their support. I am beginning to sense the doubt that some may have. Are they growing tired of supporting my struggle?

All this comes rushing back to me today as I log great steps, a good calorie calorie defict, and yet don't see a weight loss.

I believe that in our lifetimes we are offered challenges that must be met in order to live a "good life." Some of these come easily. We are presented with something and achieve the goal. We accomplish the task. We conquer the fear. Some are harder. When I look at my life, I am proud of the way I have grown and changed. I have met my shortcomings head-on. I have faced challenges and fears. When I conquer the fear, meet the goal, accomplish the task, I feel good and become a more self-actualized person.

I really believe that my weight is my greatest challenge. I keep getting presented with it as an issue that must be addressed. I continue to struggle and not solve the problem. Though it may be sad, I really don't feel that I could rank my life as a "high-quality life" or myself as actualized unless I meet this challenge.

I have no answers this morning.

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