Friday, February 4, 2011

Concerning my diet, there's not much good to report from yesterday. The best thing I did yesterday in regard to my plan was stop and get my blood drawn for my lab tests. I suppose the thing to do now is to reflect on why I didn't do well and try to learn from it.

I knew that I wouldn't be going to the gym yesterday since I was planning to go to the hospital and visit my dad. He was feeling so badly that he asked me to not come. When I got home, I knew I wouldn't head back out. I'm sort of a homebody. Once I was in the house, I decided to call it free night. Bad choice. Dinner was free for all!! Before dinner, I'd eaten about 1,129 calories. Dinner was 1,137 calories. Wow! That's twice as many as I should have had. We had "breakfast for dinner" and I went back for seconds. I haven't had seconds in a long time. Of course, I immediately felt terrible!!

Why did I make the bad choices? Stress? Sadness? Those emotions could both related to my dad's recent health issues. Availablity? There was "extra" food as I was cooking for today's lunch. Work has also been stressful lately. I'm considering makes some changes at work, and that's been weighing on my mind, too.

Honestly, it just felt like I needed a "break." I am tired of tearing around. I can't recall when I haven't felt like I have something important to do. There's always the next task, the next responsibility, the next item to cross off my "to do" list. I used last night's dinner as a release.

The trouble is, addiction (and mine is food) doesn't work that way. Giving in to your additiction DOES NOT relieve stress. Giving in to your addiction only masks negative emotions, stress ... whatever you're running from.

What would have been better than making the choice for seconds? Really, anything! Not having anything else and "suffering" through the craving. Forcing myself to go to the gym. Eating an orange. Reading. Fiddling around on the computer. Taking a bath. Calling someone. Anything besides sucumbing to my addiction.

Am I too dramatic? Am I making too much of a bad choice last night at dinner?

Last night, I dreamed about my grandfather. Papa was a great man. I loved him very much. In the dream, I was an adult and was moving into his house after he'd died. I was so excited! I loved that house! In the dream, he came to me as a ghost when I was standing in his backyard. The grass was way too high. It was past my waist. None of the neighbors could see it, though, since the shrubbery was so overgrown. Papa said that it was okay for the grass to be too high since the neighbors could not see it. I wanted to cut it with the old lawnmower. He said okay, but that I should go slowly since the lawnmower was so old.

What was he telling me? I think the message has to do with my life, and in particular, my food addiction. I'll have to think about it some more today. Anyone have any thoughts?

Yes, I am going to the gym today. That's certainly a key to my weight loss goals and to my stress.

From yesterday: Calorie consumption = 2,266. Calorie deficit = 185.